Jerry Kurtz

Searching the world for the truth

  • Home
  • About
    • 18th Century Bio (Traditional)
    • 20th Century Bio
    • 21st Century Bio & Off into the Woods
    • Optional Guidance re: 21st Century Bio
    • Contact
  • Tirades
    • About Tirades
    • Ancient Tirades
    • Modern Tirades
  • Stories
  • Screenplay
  • Nuclear Dog

Modern Tirades

August 5, 2014 by Jerry Kurtz

Tirade Against Top-Squeezers

hug toothpasteMost of us have had the sad experience of dealing with someone who has no interest in replacing the cap that the rest of us believe belongs screwed back on the toothpaste. These individuals regard our concern as fastidious and evidence, more than likely, of Obsessive-Compulsive behavior (a so-called “disorder” — “OCD”), or worse. Our mental health, they imagine, varies inversely with the firmness with which we screw this cap back on. They are proud of how they’ve helped some like us and remain on the lookout for those who use pliers (Pliers-Using Nuts, “PUNs”— sent to therapy) or a wrench (“WUs” — admitted to psych ward).

They themselves? “Laid back.” “Easy going.” For sure.

The offending party may be one we are living with, traveling with or just dating. It can also be a friend or out-of-town guest we are accommodating at our own homes.

Puzzlingly, researchers found only a 10% positive correlation between Toothpaste Top-Squeezers (“TTS”) and cap-offers (“COs”). Psychologists speculated that COs had Other Issues (“OI”).

Correlation with how these people hug you. Unsurprisingly, it was reported that male TTS-types have a 33% inclination to squeeze women around the shoulders rather than around the back, waist or lower whereas the male control group reported only a 21% inclination and the mixed control group, as expected, only 13%. Well, that should clear things up… Ass Grabbers of all persuasions were excluded in the interests of better hygiene.

© Jerry Kurtz 2014

 

Posted in Modern Tirades. RSS 2.0 feed.
« Tirade Against Binoculars and the Myth of ‘One Right Path’
Tirade Against the Car Behind You »
Bookmark and Share

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Recent Tirades

  • How I Belatedly Learned Right & Left
  • Shakespeare says No to Trump!
  • Is Trump a Murderer — or Just a Killer?
  • How Leo Szilárd got me in trouble but it drove me to probably save the world
  • Tirade Against: Wrong Amount of Globalization
  • ALL Tirades

Recent Stories

  • The Spy Niki Club
  • Love Highway
  • Birds

Recent Screenplay

  • In the Southern Cross

Subscribe to jerrykurtz.com!

Achieve Certainty! If your provider isn't already delivering these pithy Tirades, gripping Stories and who knows what-all else, just add your email address below.

 

RSS Feed

©2023 by Jerry Kurtz. Website by HelloAri. Log In